The Graph of Life

The Graph of Life

They say is life is full of ups and downs. And it’s true too. Sometimes life is at an ecstatic A level. Then it might sink down to a miserable level C. Most of the time though, we spend our lives floating in the normal B range - neither too happy, nor too sad. 

It’s a little different for me. My graph looks somewhat like this:

 

It’s like someone has stamped on all the peaks. The whole thing sinks down a few notches, and it’s just impossible for emotions to go beyond a level (A#). It’s not like there isn’t any happiness, but you never hit euphoria. Most of your time is spent trying to run away from the horrifying depths of grief, and staying at that crucial level of sanity.

As few weeks back, I thought I was close to acceptance and moving on. The numbness was beginning to fade and everything seemed less unbelievable than a month ago. Then one night, while trawling the net, something caught my eye.

“Bolton Wanderers player Fabrice Muamba suffers a heart attack on field. CPR and shocks fail to resuscitate him. In hospital.”

Heart attack. Hospital.

It hit too close to home. The memories from that terrible night kept flashing in my mind. There was no running away, I had to face it. Since then any memories of my father would cause the same reaction- I could feel my heart beating fast, and a cold dread spread through my body. I just could not go back to the memories without breaking down.

I have a theory for this. After a terrible loss, you’re mind goes into an overdrive trying to protect you from the grief. Hence, the numbness and the shock for the first few weeks. But soon, even the strongest of minds wear tired, and it’s then that you must face the truth. The grief hits hard, at even the smallest of instances often.

Even now, I cannot bring myself to remember anything. It is just too painful, so I look for distraction everywhere. 

Peace is a long way off. For now, I'll have to settle for avoidance.